Rechargeable Batteries

     Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
That is the first question for today.
Ever get so stressed out because you've had to be social for so many days in a row?
That is the second question for today.
     I can't deal with constant interactions, constant social interactions. I would label me an introvert. I may seem extroverted when I'm forced to be social. Just maybe on rare occasions may that happen. Only probably because I get a little manic when nervous in where I have to engage with strangers (or anyone for that matter), but especially for those I do not know. This week was just like that. Over stimulated social encounters.
     I was supposed to go to a Dr. appointment Monday but I had gotten food poisoning over the weekend. (So much fun, I would highly recommend it)
     Then I went to my Pain Specialist on Tuesday. I have a messed up back. I'll tell you how that came to be another time. Two weeks ago I had an MRI done for my messed up back; to see if it's gotten worse or better. It never gets any better.
     As I waited to be called to the back I was getting agitated. I didn't sleep good the night prior like many nights over the years but especially the past few months have been horrible about me trying to get any sleep. So, I had two twenty ounce mugs of coffee prior to my appointment. Needed to be awake but with the social environment I was placed in it makes me a bit manic occasionally. Just a little.
     I waited and watched as everyone was called back to get seen by their Dr and I'm still waiting to be seen. Everyone that was there when I arrived (which was thirty-seven minutes before my scheduled appointment) had gone back and now they were calling most everyone that had arrived after me. I went then and asked the front desk receptionist about my appointment, which now was well after the time I was scheduled for. She said that they're computers are "down" and they are running behind. Okay, so I sat back down. I'm a pretty patient person. Most of the time.
     I couldn't focus on anything because of my pain and just decided to sit there staring at the wall, just waiting to hear my name to be called back. Minding my own business. An hour passed by, passed the time my appointment was scheduled for.
     Then this fellow patient sitting to my right just started talking to me as if he was a friend. He was saying the same thing I was thinking, that everyone was being called back but him and well me. I agreed with him and talked to him when spoken too but I didn't feel like being social at that time. I'm just too nice to tell him to shut up. I should either get used to interacting with strangers while I'm out or learn how to tell people to not to talk to me.
     The only things we talked about was that it was awful that people were getting called to the back to see their doctors and we still hadn't been called to the back. I know he didn't care if I got called back but I think he was just tired of reading his magazine. He was just venting to me about his predicament.
     I was getting fed up with his negativity and venting to me. I told him he should go check to see if he is close to being called back. After all, I went and asked about my appointment. He kept saying, "Nah" that he wasn't going to go check. He had no balls obviously. Though after me encouraging him to do so, he finally went and asked. I was just finding any excuse to get him to leave me alone.
     After all that waiting, which was now a little over two hours after my arrival time, He got called back before me! I was there twenty minutes before him and we had appointments at the same time. That upset me, so I went and asked the receptionist when my appointment was, after all I've been waiting over two hours so far. Longer than anyone that I had seen that day.
     They asked if I wanted to wait in the back or in the waiting room. I told them I wanted to wait in the back because their TV was too loud and driving me crazy. Plus no one would approach me and talk to me back there. Unless, it was the doctor.
     My doctor finally arrived to my room. I had been wanting to know my MRI results. That's the first thing I asked about. I asked her to show me on the spine model where my injuries were that showed up on my MRI.  So she did.
     As she was going over my results, she first said that the MRI showed that my kidney was dislocated and has rotated out of place. How could that have happened? I asked and she didn't know. She said I would need to see my PCP about that problem. She read my MRI results and no my back didn't get any better. It had gotten worse since my last MRI. As usual.
     After my appointment I would need to call my cab to go home. That same guy came up to me outside and said his car wouldn't start. I didn't want to be talking to him.I thought I wouldn't see him again. I was wrong. I thought if I helped him he would go away and leave me alone. So, I started asking people if they had jumper cables. I heard that he said the engine wouldn't turn over. I told him it might be his battery. Upon talking to him further, I said it was probably the alternator that drained the battery. I thought he just needed a jump.
     I told him to just ask people for a jump, but he had no balls to ask one single person. I wanted to tell him to grow some balls and just ask people.Most people are nice enough to help you, most of the time. I guess he just used me because I asked several people. Finally asked the right guy and he helped jump start his car. That guy I helped never said thank you or goodbye to me. He just got in his 2011 Chrysler and left. What a guy!
     At least I didn't have to deal with him anymore. Plus my cab showed up a minute later. I was glad to be going home.
     When I got home I had made an emergency appointment with my PCP and then I also had to go to take a pulmonary test for Tuesday. (That very next day)
     So, Tuesday I went to my PCP. They didn't want to say it was my kidney. They did a urine test and I didn't have any infection. Spent hours there and all they did was put a referral to the Urologist.
     Got down to the downstairs lobby and ate my lunch. I knew I couldn't go home for lunch so I packed a lunch to take with me. Hadn't done that in over a decade.
     I went and did my test with the Pulmonary Specialist. I'll get the results when I go back to my PCP. Though the tech said my numbers looked good.
     I went home and waited for the Urologist to call about my referral. No one called. I was told they put in the referral as a stat order. I had to call my PCP office and get the Urology Clinic details. I was in so much pain from the non stop travelling that day that I didn't call the Urologist until the next day.
     So, Thursday was the next day. I made my appointment with the Urologist but they couldn't get me in until next week. I would have liked to see them sooner. I'm in so much pain. Though I'm glad I had a day to make my appointments and cabs for this month. I also had a meeting Thursday. Plus I had to pay bills. Wasn't a fun day all together.
     Now it's Friday. Trying to get some R&R. Still having to make a few phone calls and get yet some more doctor offices scheduled and set up my transportation. I still am not finished making phone calls, but I need to take time out for myself today. When I am constantly on the "go" I need a few days to recuperate. I need my down time. I can't survive without some peace and quiet. Some "ME" time.
     So I'm an introvert whom gets a little manic occasionally. Yes, I get stressed out leaving my apartment everyday. Days on end, without any me time. Most people don't understand that. They don't get that I need to be unplugged for days or even longer. My "person" gets it. So does my husband mostly. I can't stretch myself out too thin or I'll break-down.
     That's why I'm not social sometimes, most of the time. I've got a lot that I deal with, but doesn't everyone have they're own shit to deal with? Everyone has they're own way to re-charge themselves back up after life sucks them down. How do I re-charge? It's not always the same way. Some times I need to blog. Others I read all day for days, stuffing as many books in my head as possible. I love my online library books, and who doesn't love kindle. Some days i just stuff my head with season after season of a "flavor of the month" T.V. series or catch up on my Netflix movies. I used to unwind with sketching or painting, but I haven't done anything like that in a very long time. I want to get back into my art. I need to. I am starting to crave it. There are many ways to unwind and re-charge. I have many other ways to get some R&R. What are your favorite ways to unwind and relax?
     This week is over. Just a little reprieve until the onslaught of doctor appointments next week and the week after that, and so on. Little time for me anymore. The years are going by faster and faster, every year it seems quicker than the last. Is it just me or is it just me getting older. My Grandma always said, "The years go by faster as you get older." My Grandma was right. I am getting old. (And tired)
     Are you an introvert or an extrovert? How do you handle stress and social environments? How do you re-charge your batteries? Just remember to be kind to one another. You could make or break someones day. Will you be the reason someone smiles or cries?

My Blogs

All of my Blogs 

The Beginning Of The End

Blogging On The Go My Mobile Blog

Life Of A Fractured Mind Living WIth BiPolar

Midnight Ramblings Of The Void Within

Shadow Dragons Poetry

It Only Takes An Instant To Change Someone Forever

     Insomnia is a bitch. It slithers in and stays intertwined into your very core like a cancer eating away at your organs. It isn't pretty. It isn't pleasant. If you suffer from insomnia; it consumes you. Coffee becomes your friend. Your lifeline to survive the sunlight hours. Most days even the caffeine doesn't help to "wake" you up for your daily routines. So far, I've found no cure or coping mechanism to handle insomnia.
     I didn't have insomnia as a child. Not really anyways. I would wake up in the midnight hours, but I usually could always go back to slumber land. Though as an adult, I have severe insomnia. So much so, it's hard to function the next morning. Even with my friend; caffeine.
     About a decade ago I was having insomnia. I drove to a local twenty-four hour store just to walk around.  My husband was out of town at the time. When I returned home, my front door was open. My five cats were in and out of the house. This house was in disarray.I panicked. I first tried to take care of what was the most important thing to me at the time. I found all five of my cats and placed them back into the house. I was in shock to say the least. I don't know what I did next because the rest was a blur in my memories. I didn't call the police; I was still in shock.
     When the sun was coming up, I called my mother-in-law. Then I must have called the police. Like I said earlier, it was a blur at this point. The state of shock I was in was still there. My mother-in-law came over to my house. She lived over thirty minutes away at that time. She arrived with one of her relatives. I was in tears. Been crying half the night. My cats were just scared but they were not harmed. The police filed a report. That was the extent of they're involvement. As far as I know.
    I was such in a disrupted mental state that my mother-in-law must have taken me to the psychiatric facility. I stayed there for a little over two weeks. My husband came home at some point. He visited my in the psychiatric hospital and I remember feeling safer just knowing he was there. He is my lifesaver.
     When I returned home, the house was cleaned up. Fresh and new. Like it never happened, but we had many things missing. I came to the conclusion we were robbed. I'm just happy that my cats were not harmed. Things can be replaced. This I know. Though the mental damage was done. Can that be repaired?
     After I returned home from my stay in the psychiatric hospital, I began to experience tremendous panic attacks. I had been prescribed Xanax. That helped some but the panic attacks were severe. I needed to learn coping skills to help deal with the ordeal.
     Out of all the coping skills I've tried, only one really seemed to work. This is what worked for me. When a panic attack came on, I would "try" to breathe deep and slow. In and out. Then when that didn't work well enough, I started counting the breathes. One for in and two for out. Three for in and four for out and so on until I reached the number ten. Then I would start over. During this I would close my eyes.
     For me when I was experiencing panic attacks, the room would spin. My heart would race, tremendously. I would start to hyperventilate. I would shake or tremble all over. My thoughts would race at a colossal speed. The room would spin. I would feel like I was about to have a heart attack. Basically, I would feel like I was dying.
     Many years later, today I have most of my panic attacks under control. I meditate everyday, several times a day. I love the meditation app I found called 'Headspace'. You can find it on the app store. You can start with a ten day free trial I believe. Though after that you would need to purchase a subscription. It is very very useful.
     Using my coping skills of meditation and other skills I have learned, I don't have panic attacks everyday like I used to years ago.
     Ever since my house was broken into, I started having insomnia. Which I contribute that to having severe nightmares basically every night. Several times a night. I did some research and what I believe I was suffering from was called RISP. (Recurring Isolated Sleep Paralysis.) I'll talk about that next time.
     Will I ever be able to sleep again, the whole night? Time will only tell. I just know that I have a positive outlook on my life now. I used to not be that way. I used to be in a deep depression. Now, I'm stable. I'm not depressed and I'm not manic. I am taking my medications for Bi-Polar like prescribed and they seem to be keeping me on track.
     I look forward to sleeping more than a few hours of sleep at night. Though the meditation helps with the sleep as well. I will not give up. I will keep surviving. Not only for me but for my wonderful husband, whom I love with all my heart.

Where Do I Begin?

     So I have a question. Where do I begin? Where do I begin to tell my story? To talk about what it's like with my disorder. How do I separate the Bi-Polar with my human self? How do I dissect that information from my brain. My brain that is scattered and in a disorder in it's own way. What parts are me?  And, What parts are the Bi-Polar?
     I could start by telling you I had a normal childhood. Though that is not the case. Is not having a "normal" childhood the spark that led to being Bi-Polar or was I born with it? The studies are mostly inconclusive that is would have been caused by genetics or an environmental situation.
     What do I think? I think in my case it could caused by both; genetically and environmentally. I wasn't raised by any means traditionally. At least through my eyes I wasn't. 
     My story began thirty-eight years ago. This is my journey. Through my eyes and interpretation.